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Translator's War

posted Jul 10, 2015, 1:00 PM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jul 10, 2015, 1:00 PM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Con City Times. Views expressed within the quoted interviews are those of the quoted individuals alone.

The trial of Brian Chambers, the software engineer being accused of trying to start World War III, has reached its eighteenth day. Charges against Mister Chambers are based on records indicating that he hacked into governmental computer servers housing data on the country's nuclear arsenal. In a baffling turn of events Mister Chambers, ignoring the protests of his defense attorney, boldly stated during the trial that he had in fact attempted to start a World War, and would do so again if given the chance.

"Yes, I did it." Mister Chambers said. "I hacked in, I looked for the launch codes, and when I couldn't find them I looked for a back door to the mainframe so I could generate new ones and go around the existing protocol. My sole regret is not masking my IP well enough. Serves me right for using public wifi at a fast food joint."

The announcement of Brian Chambers comes not as the first but simply the latest in a long string of controversial events surrounding his case, which started with his arrest. Mister Chambers was arrested two months ago in Downtown Con City by CCPD officers. One of the policemen who apprehended him, Sergeant Jack Westwood, allegedly stated in an interview that he had meant to shoot the unarmed Mister Chambers during the arrest, but he had run out of bullets. In the eight weeks since his incarceration Mister Chambers' case has led to three separate prison riots, multiple assassination attempts including one at the courthouse last week, and protests both against and in favor of his incarceration, from a human rights activist group and the Con County Freemasons, respectively.

With Mister Chambers' unexpected outburst in court, many expect that his case will soon be handed over to the federal courts, though most people don't expect him to live that long. The list of skeptics includes the accused's own sister, Tamara Chambers.

"He's either completely insane, or he got in with the wrong crowd." she said in an interview. "I mean, did you hear that speech? It hardly even makes sense, for fuck's sake. If it is true, the people he works for will put a bullet in his brain for sure."

In his statement during the trial, Mister Chambers claimed that the reason for his actions was that he had been hired by an as yet undisclosed software development firm to write a flawless, universal translator program for use in internet browsers, meant to work with a 0% error margin.

"A linguist explained to me that the reason why existing translator algorithms fail is that many words simply don't exist in every language, while some have complex phrases that are difficult to translate by an automated method." Mister Chambers said. "I thought, that if I could exterminate the people in all the countries that speak those difficult languages, thereby eradicating about 90% of the languages in the world, then the greatest obstacle before the design of a universal translator would disintegrate. Hence the idea to start World War III. Makes sense, right?"

Mister Chambers' explanation sparked outrage in the internet community, as many of them feel that the very existence of a universal translator would rob them of one of their most valued forms of entertainment, namely horrible translations. Authorities believe that the number of attempts at Mister Chambers' life will see an exponential rise in the coming days.

So far Mister Chambers is yet to reveal the name of the company that contracted him. Many people speculate that, based on the fact that Mister Chambers grew up in the town of Desert Rock, he was in fact working for Desert Rock's number one electronics retail company, the Hades Corporation. The company denies all involvement with the project, and their CEO was quick to put out a press release after Mister Chambers' confession.

"We at the Hades Corporation are responsible, caring people who keep the best interests of all humanity at heart." the press release stated. "We would never partake in illegal activity, least of all one that would threaten to drastically reduce the number of paying customers in the world."