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The Wall That Pisses Back

posted Sep 5, 2015, 6:26 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Sep 5, 2015, 6:26 AM ]
The following article was written by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Brickton Herald.

A recent plan to keep the walls of the Brickton Town Hall clean has backfired in a most unexpected way. The exterior of the Town Hall was recently repainted using a revolutionary new liquid repellent paint, meant to prevent urine from staining the walls. While the Town Hall currently faces its biggest crisis in recent memory due to the fallout from applying the new paint, the Mayor was initially very pleased with the performance of the liquid repellent paint.

"This was the only way to stop the dogs and bums from pissing all over the walls." Mayor Stanley Greekhorse said in his usual blunt and controversial manner. "Liquid repellent paint throws any liquid directed at the wall back at its source. What better way to teach those bastards than with a wall that pisses back?"

Liquid repellent paint is not a new invention but this particular paint was newly designed by a scientist on Mayor Greekhorse's staff. Doctor Stuart Roth appears to have created the most effective liquid repellent paint to date.

"Most paints like this don't repel the liquid very far, but my paint knocks it right back at the source." Doctor Roth explained. "There is a tiny loss of momentum, yes, but it's negligible. If someone directs let's say a stream of urine at it, the wall sends the stream right back at the perpetrator's dick. Mayor Greekhorse was most pleased with the test results, so of course he ordered the new paint job for the Town Hall. No one could have foreseen where this would lead."

The new paint job led to dire consequences indeed. Two days after the paint dried, a group of angry protesters surrounded the Town Hall and had to be removed from the scene by police using water cannons. The angry mob demanded the removal of Mayor Greekhorse from power.

"This damn paint is ruining our cars!" an anonymous protester said during his hasty exit from the scene. "Since the drunks figured out they can't piss on the Town Hall walls any more, they started relieving themselves on the cars parked in the area instead. Now we have to wash our cars every day! This is completely unacceptable! Down with Greekhorse! Down with Greekhorse!"

The rioting was followed up by unseen protesters covering the entirety of the town hall with graffiti overnight, depicting obscene imagery and slanderous comments directed at the Mayor and his staff. Doctor Roth is puzzled by the fact that his repellent failed to work on spray paint.

"Admittedly an aerosol does not have the same constitution as a stream of liquid but I still don't understand why my paint failed." Doctor Roth said. "Now we have the most important symbol of Brickton's government covered in graffiti claiming that the Mayor and I share our beds with monkeys and gorillas, respectively, which, by the way, is not true. And now we have the problem that we can't wash it off because the liquid repellent under the graffiti still works and repels all the water we try to use to clean the walls. Baffling, truly."

While Doctor Roth tries finding a solution to this unexpected failure, abundant media coverage is being devoted to relaying the new look of Brickton's Town Hall to the entire world. The unknown culprits who applied the graffiti remain at large.

Mayor Greekhorse was unavailable for comment regarding the graffiti, but an unnamed local street sweeper offered a unique solution to the problem, suggesting that "they could just spray paint the wall white or something, if only Greekhorse and Roth had brains bigger than a pea." Here's to hoping Mayor Greekhorse or Doctor Roth read this article before all of Brickton becomes the laughing stock of the entire world for the one hundred and fourteenth time in its history.