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The Safest Town In The World

posted Dec 4, 2016, 9:56 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Dec 4, 2016, 9:56 AM ]
The following article by Jonathan Parker was published in the Black Lake Gazette after careful consideration.

The town of Black Lake in Con County is in contention for the Peaceful Excellence Award. Given each year to the safest settlement with less than fifteen thousand inhabitants, the Peaceful Excellence Award is tailor made for a town like Black Lake. While Black Lake has long earned itself a reputation of being the safest settlement in Con County, many are still puzzled by the nomination for such a prestigious award. Chief among them is Deputy Carl, one half of the police force in Black Lake.

`This is a nice quiet little town by Con County standards,' he states, `but let's face it, that's not saying much. Just because we don't have shootouts, explosions, stabbings, bank robberies, and mass murder on a daily basis, does not mean we don't have our fair share of problems.'

The Deputy cites the most recent crime statistics of Black Lake as to why he believes the town is not quite ready for the Peaceful Excellence Award.

`The past month we have had fourteen counts of jaywalking, seventeen counts of littering, and eight counts of dogs defecating in the streets. The latter is especially dangerous as the elderly may easily slip on canine droppings and could suffer severe injuries. Jaywalking is also a horrific offense that endangers the lives of vehicle drivers across the town. I do my best to fight this terrible crime wave, but the Sheriff insists that our efforts are better directed elsewhere.'

Sheriff Paxton, the other half of the Black Lake police force, is more optimistic about his town and its chances at winning the Peaceful Excellence Award.

`Carl exaggerates,' the Sheriff says. `Black Lake more then deserves the award. First of all, no one breaks the speed limit in Black Lake, so jaywalkers do not endanger anyone. Second, if people didn't litter, street sweepers would be out of a job, and then they'd turn to crime to put bread on their table, so I think having people litter is a great way to reduce crime. And as for dog shit on the pavement... Let's just say the day dogs stop shitting anywhere in the world is going to mark the end for us all.'

Sheriff Paxton believes that the crime statistics confirm his view. No violent crimes have been reported in Black Lake in over a year, and the last recorded incident before that left only one person injured by a firearm and one person dead by food poisoning. Deputy Carl, however, insists that as long as there is any crime in town, no matter how minor, his job is not finished.

`Every crime must be punished,' he says. `I hope that we will come last in the rankings for the award because, frankly, we do not deserve it, and if we come in last, perhaps the Sheriff will finally allow the use of tear gas grenades on jaywalkers and cattle prods on careless dog owners.'

Sheriff Paxton remains confident that Black Lake will win the Peaceful Excellence Award, and refuses to allow his Deputy to take drastic measures against people who neglect to clean up after their pets.

`I'm pretty sure the dogs don't just shit on the pavement but also on the carpets in the dog owners' homes, and that should be punishment enough,' he says. `As for the award... We'll win. How could we not? Do you see any gun toting madmen around here? Any psychopaths? All we have is a weirdo who wears sunglasses at night and frequents the Shark's Fin Diner, but he's harmless and we haven't seen him in six months or so. Seriously, there is no way the award could slip from our grasp.'

Note from the Editor of the Black Lake Gazette: This article was submitted to our journal two days before the now infamous events of chaos, bloodshed, and violence which immediately catapulted Black Lake to the number one spot on the global list of most violent towns under a population of fifteen thousand. Nevertheless we chose to publish this article after the one week review process was completed, in the name of journalistic integrity.