Shorts‎ > ‎Totally Authentic News‎ > ‎

The Jumping House

posted Mar 6, 2017, 3:08 PM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Mar 6, 2017, 3:11 PM ]
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

A man in Greenwell is facing charges of producing an unsafe work environment and endangering the lives of his neighbors. The charges come after Hank Brennan, a resident in the southern suburbs of town, hired a construction company to dig a ten foot deep trench around his house for the purpose of eventually digging under the building to enable the contractors to lift the entire house with a crane.

`It's a nonsensical idea, but we do what the client pays us to do,' says Ron Smith, owner of Smith's Bricks, the local building contractor hired to do the work. `I told him we'd need to disconnect the electricity supply and the water supply, which would leave the house unfit to live in, but he still wanted us to do the job. So we did it. But then we got to phase two.'

Phase two of the building project was to place a set of high power spring loaded launchers underneath the foundations of Mister Brennan's house, then lower the house onto the launchers. The idea being, according to Ron Smith, to allow the house to jump.

`So this nutjob says to us, he wants his house to be able to jump,' Mister Smith explains. `Says he wants at least eight feet of elevation. Thinks he can achieve that with these spring powered launchers. So I tell him, there's no spring strong enough to do the job. Then he says, just use a lot of them. I tell him, even if we manage it, there's no way to control the precise motion of the house. That thing could fall on my workers during testing, or crash into a neighboring house. So he says, it'll be fine as long as I buy some expensive springs, and proceeds to write me a check. Honestly, can you blame me for calling the police?'

The investigation of the Greenwell Police Department has shown that the construction project was doomed to begin with, and that phase two would have put the lives of workers and neighbors into serious jeopardy.

`We've ordered the constructions to cease,' says Detective Malcolm Shepard, `and arrested Mister Brennan. Greenwell will clearly be safer with him off the streets.'

Hank Brennan awaits trial at the jail in Greenwell, and insists that his personal rights have been violated. Moreover, he believes that there was nothing wrong with his construction project.

`It's just an innocent home improvement project,' he says. `I mean, come on. Do you even know why I'm doing it? It's a matter of family pride, you see. My cousin lives in Australia, and the last time he came for a visit he told me a joke. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, he says, because houses can't jump. Get it? Because houses can't jump! Well, I'll show him and the rest of those Down Under comedians!'

Mister Brennan believes that he will be found innocent in the charges levied against him and is adamant to give his house the ability to jump. He has already found a new building company for the job, Con City based Young Constructions.

`Of course we'd be willing to do the job,' says Jim Lemmon, Senior Overseer and acting CEO of Young Constructions. `We don't have a lot of clients these days, not since the fiasco with our former CEO and his attempt to sacrifice virgins in a fake volcano. Until we earn back the trust of the community, we can't be picky with the jobs we get. Guy wants his house to jump, we can do that, sure. As long as he pays us in advance and signs the paperwork that he takes full responsibility for any property damage, injuries, or fatalities incurred due to the construction. Of course he has to make bail first.'

Bail for the release of Hank Brennan has been set to one hundred million dollars. There is no date set for his trial at the time of writing.