Shorts‎ > ‎Totally Authentic News‎ > ‎

Soda Lake

posted Jan 31, 2016, 3:19 PM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jan 31, 2016, 3:19 PM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Black Lake Gazette.

A young man is awaiting surgery at the Con City General Hospital after being admitted with a three feet long, twelve inches wide carbon dioxide canister sticking out of his rectum. Jeremy Sloan, nephew of famous fishery magnate Albert Sloan and son of the late industry tycoon Robert Sloan, was taken to Con City General by private helicopter from Black Lake. While the young man is currently unavailable for comment due to being heavily sedated and laying between life and death at the Intensive Care, several eye witnesses have come forward in Black Lake offering an account of his story.

Mister Sloan was hosting a party by the shores of the lake for which the town of Black Lake was named, in the garden of his uncle's lakeside luxury cabin. According to multiple attendees of the party, the highlight of the evening was meant to be a soda bath of epic proportions.

"So Jeremy had this idea to turn the entire lake into a soda bath," one witness who preferred to remain anonymous said. "He had a hundred canisters of carbon dioxide ready for the occasion. The plan was to release the gas into the lake at midnight and then have a swimming competition in the soda lake. It would have been the greatest party ever! A shame things turned out the way they did."

Another witness who chose to remain anonymous offered a more detailed account of what had prevented the midnight soda attraction.

"It was all because of those bloody environmentalist pricks," the witness stated. "They said the gas would endanger the wildlife. They said the gas would endanger the town. But what do they know? All we wanted was to have some fun."

Shortly after 11 PM, the party was crashed by a group of environmentalist scientists and their bodyguards in an effort to confiscate the carbon dioxide canisters.

"We did it in the name of good sense and decency," said Doctor Marcus Pitchford, the leader of Brains of the Earth, the environmentalist group that had interrupted the soda lake party. "For starters, this dumb little brat had no business trying to turn the lake into his personal soda bath. Imagine if the gas somehow managed to accumulate to form one gigantic bubble in the water. Do you know what would have happened? Carbon dioxide is lighter than water, but heavier than air. If that bubble had surfaced in one go, the gas would have spread across the town of Black Lake and suffocated everyone. We would have had a new Black Falls incident on our hands."

The Black Falls incident, that is, the day when a few years ago a massive amount of lethal gas was released from a chemical plant in the town of Black Falls on the opposite shore of the lake and exterminated the entire population of Black Falls, still lives quite vividly in the locals' memory, as does the fact that the chemical plant had been owned by the late father of Jeremy Sloan. For this reason it came as no surprise that the Sheriff of Black Lake granted Doctor Pitchford's request to stop the party by any means necessary.

"We respect Albert Sloan," the Sheriff stated. "He means a lot to this town. He has made us famous through his fishery. But I'll be damned if I let that prick nephew of his kill us all. A good thing the little brat never asked for a permit from my office. And I guarantee you that you would never find its remains in our paper shredder."

Witnesses report that the Sheriff himself led the bust, during which the environmentalist group did its very best to take possession of the carbon dioxide canisters and dissuade the guests at the party from going anywhere near the lake. Despite their efforts, Jeremy Sloan somehow managed to get his hands on one of the canisters and make one desperate attempt to go through with his party plan.

"It went by with a blur," said a friend of Mister Sloan who preferred to remain anonymous. "Jeremy was running for the lake with the canister over his shoulder, the Deputy was chasing him with a shotgun, and then... he slipped. Landed in the worst way imaginable, ass first on the canister. Man, he was whining like a bitch."

Following the incident Jeremy Sloan was transported to Con City General with his uncle's private chopper. His condition is deemed "worrying, but stable," yet surgeons are holding off on the removal of the canister.

"The problem lies in his diet," explained Doctor Donna Williams, one of the senior surgeons at Con City General. You see, this young man has paid no heed to a healthy diet and as a result his fecal matter is rock solid. That is why the valve broke off the canister when it penetrated his backside and crashed into a blob of brown concrete. Fortunately for him, his rock hard feces have also clogged up the nozzle of the canister, so the gas is not leaking, at least not yet. Removing the canister on the other hand presents a problem."

Doctor Williams explained with a series of X-ray images and pictograms that if they were to move the canister, it would become unclogged before they could pull it out all the way, and then one of two things would happen. One possibility is that the gas that would inevitably escape the canister would propel Mister Sloan "all the way back to Black Lake". The second, less fortunate outcome would result in the gas "popping the young man open like a cherry". While either outcome would be fine with the hospital staff, Albert Sloan has donated a considerable sum to Con City General to ensure his nephew's survival.

"We are looking into options as we speak," Doctor Williams elaborated. "An intern suggested that we drill a hole into the canister and drain the carbon dioxide from it, but we need to do it safely which obviously requires a skilled engineer, and we have no such thing on hand. We have tried consulting an expert over the phone, but all he said about the drilling is that we should be doing it very carefully."