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No Parking With Hot Air Balloons

posted Jun 11, 2016, 7:50 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jun 11, 2016, 8:12 AM ]
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Con City Times.

A parking offense is making headlines all over the county after a man was given a parking ticket in Desert Rock. His crime was to park a hot air balloon in the handicap zone opposite the Screeningator Cinema.

Adam White, the owner of the hot air balloon is outraged.

"I did not park there, for fuck's sake," he stated. "I made an emergency landing after my idiot passenger punched a hole in my balloon with a butter knife."

The hot air balloon is Mister White's bread and butter. He uses the vehicle to carry passengers as part of his Soaring Skyrides sightseeing company. He is no stranger to misfortune, as his hot air balloon was recently stolen by Con County's public enemy number one for the purpose of faking a solar eclipse over a similarly fake volcano.

"That wasn't even the worst of it," Adam White said. "A while ago a bunch of drunks came out of the Hell Club, stumbled their way to my back yard where I keep the balloon, and vomited all over the seats. It took two hours to shovel the puke out of the cabin, and three days to fully disinfect it. But at least they didn't throw a fucking knife at the balloon while we were two thousand feet in the air."

After the landing, Adam White spent hours fixing the damage to his balloon. It was during this time that a police officer came by and gave him a ticket. Customers of the Screeningator Cinema have recorded the incident on their cell phones. Their recordings depict a distressed Adam White making insulting gestures in response to being fined, most of them to the police officer's back. Internet video sharing sites have scored tens of millions of views on these videos. No one bothered to record the landing itself, but it is widely expected that no one would bother watching it.

Local press is also having a field day with Adam White's parking ticket. The Desert Rock Inquirer called his emergency landing "an impressive display of incompetence". Ray Stokes, owner of the Screeningator Cinema, saw the landing from his office across the street and said to the press, "poor sucker could have saved himself that parking ticket if he had gone just fifty yards to the right and landed in the parking lot of my cinema".

As for what became of the irresponsible passenger who had caused the accident? Adam White was alone in his balloon when he landed, and in light of his story everyone assumed the passenger had run away. Until Desert Rock Police have located a male dead body a mile outside town, having died from blunt trauma consistent with falling out of a hot air balloon. Adam White was quickly interviewed about the matter, a reporter for the local radio station posing him the question of whether the man jumped or accidentally fell to his death.

"Neither. I tossed his sorry ass overboard," Adam White explained. "That'll teach my future passengers not to fuck with my balloon!"

A number of shocked listeners of Desert Rock Radio contacted the police, inquiring about the upcoming prosecution of Adam White.

"We are only prosecuting him about his parking offense," a representative of the Police stated. "There were no witnesses to what transpired in the air. Any lawyer would tear murder charges to pieces, in spite of his confession on live radio."

Adam White himself refused to offer further comments on the incident, stating that he was "working day and night to scrounge together the money to pay the parking ticket."