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New Year's Eve In Hell

posted Jan 9, 2015, 2:07 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jan 9, 2015, 2:07 AM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Desert Rock Guardian.

The New Year's Eve party held at the Hell Club in the town center of Desert Rock ended in utter disaster. Local authorities described the scene they had found at the event as a battleground. In the aftermath of the party over fifty people had to be detained by the police while thirty-seven others were hospitalized, most with physical injuries and a few with alcohol poisoning.

“Definitely the worst night in the history of this establishment.” stated Stephen Lions, owner of the Hell Club. “I can only hope the Town Council won't shut us down. Not that it was our fault. The patrons were completely out of control. It was World War III with beer bottles instead of nukes. No amount of security guards could keep all those drunk assholes in check.”

“It was the most fun I ever had!” countered a club patron who prefers to be known simply as John. “Me and my mate Jerry had the time of our lives. We were dancing and drinking, making out with the girls, buying them drinks, making friends with the waitresses, drinking... It was the best New Year's Eve ever!”

A waitress called Wendy offered a very different take on John's story.

“Even before the fighting began I knew those two were trouble.” the annoyed waitress explained. “The short fat one was tolerable on his own, but around his friend, that asshole Jerry, the worst came out of him, too. They picked on everybody, insulted half the staff, poured a bottle of beer on a fifteen year old girl, who by the way should not have been allowed into the club in the first place. And that was before they got drunk. Once they did...”

Multiple witnesses reported that two drunk tavern patrons got into a fight with one of the security guards, giving a picture-perfect description of John as one of the men involved in the incident.

“I don't really remember any of that.” John stated. “I'm sure we did nothing wrong. I mean Jerry was about to have sex with this girl that we accidentally spilled some beer on, and I know she was eager to do it because she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and then I remember this security guard coming over and the girl running away. Then... I don't know.”

“The big guy punched Eddie, the security guard.” recounted Wendy. “Then everything went to shit. Other security guards came to Eddie's aid but they had a mass of drunk people to get through. Someone got poked in the eye and then it was a mass brawl. And the worst of it? The two assholes that started it managed to sneak away from the brawl. I don't know what happened after that because I decided this job wasn't worth dying for. I was outside the club five minutes later, along with that poor girl. I wasn't there when... that other thing happened.”

The “other thing” Wendy referred to was an incident that had taken place in the men's room which led to the complete evacuation of the club.

“So after the brawl started, Jerry had this idea to go cherry bomb the toilet while everyone is busy fighting.” John explained. ”He had one, I had one, so I thought, cool, we can cherry bomb two toilets. But then when Jerry lit the fuse and dumped his cherry bomb in one of the toilets he told me to throw mine in that one, too. Said, one big fountain is better than two little ones. So I lit the fuse and dropped it in there as he said. That's when he had the urge to take a dump.”

John's companion Jerry, full name Jerry Brown, was pronounced dead on the scene by paramedics who entered the building in the wake of the evacuation. According to the medical report, Mister Brown's death was caused by severe loss of blood and trauma caused by an explosion inside the large bowel.

“Yeah, he blew up.” John confirmed. “I saw the whole thing. One moment Jerry is getting an enema on the toilet, the next his innards are all over the walls. And me. It was awesome! What a way to go!”

Mister Brown was the only casualty of what is now being referred to as New Year's Eve In Hell. The club has been closed until further notice while a thorough investigation is under way to determine whether the men's room in the establishment is fit for use.

“It is the most crucial part of the club.” Stephen Lions elaborated. “Without a functional men's room, all the male patrons will either piss on the dance floor or invade the ladies' room. Either way, the ladies would riot and set the club on fire. Trust me, I've seen them do that in Brickton.”

The disgruntled owner was also quick to point fingers at the people who organized the party: Desert Rock's very own electronics retail company, the Hades Corporation.

“The party was arranged for their employees.“ Stephen Lions explained. ”I'm sure they were responsible for the cherry bombs. I bet they thought it would be funny. Corporate pricks...”

The CEO of the Hades Corporation was unavailable for comment, but a formal statement was issued by the company in which they offered to cover the expenses of the repairs in the men's room and install brand new interactive urinals and smart toilets at no extra cost. They also stated that they were “glad to hear that everyone had fun at the party” and that they would be “sure to organize an even bigger celebration at the next New Year's Eve”.