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Central Heated Bear Cave

posted Jan 24, 2016, 8:14 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jan 24, 2016, 8:14 AM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

A man was nearly mauled to death by a family of bears near a cave outside Greenwell while he tried to install heating pipes for the bears. Alec Robertson, who is currently being cared for at the Greenwell General Hospital, apparently tried to install central heating radiators inside the bear cave. To his misfortune, the bears were not quite deeply asleep, and did not take kindly to the racket caused by the building work. Mister Robertson was forced to run for his life through the forest where he eventually ended up in a bear trap of all things.

"He was lucky the bears didn't chase him," said Doctor Nancy Carroll at Greenwell General. "He might still lose his leg. Serves him right if you ask me. What kind of idiot tries to install central heating in a bear cave?"

"We are truly baffled," said Detective Eve Rhodes of the Greenwell Police Department. "We've seen people do all sorts of ill advised things, but this takes the cake. The guy even laid the gas and water pipes from Greenwell all the way to the cave. Points for dedication, I guess."

Mister Robertson initially refused to comment his ordeal to the press. His reluctance to be interviewed led to widespread speculations as to the reason behind his actions. Greenwell talk show host Gloria Pine dedicated an entire hour to discussing how Mister Robertson must have meant to influence Greenwell weather forecasts, which to this day heavily rely on whether bears remain inside their caves in February. Following a similar logic, others have speculated that a winter coat manufacturing company may have hired Alec Robertson in an effort to improve sales. Mister Robertson broke his silence only when he heard that someone accused him of being a supporter of the Con City Bears, Con City's baseball team.

"The truth is the complete opposite," Alec Robertson said. "If you don't believe me, just go to my house and have a look at the memorabilia I have collected over the years. Hell, even my wallpaper is green for crying out loud! You prick my skin, I will bleed green, that's how much I love the Greenwell Grasshoppers!"

While Doctor Carroll was quick to dismiss some of her patient's claims as medically nonsensical, a group of Greenwell Grasshoppers fans has in fact verified, by means of forced entry, that Mister Robertson has indeed been a lifelong fan of Greenwell's baseball team. With the threat of being lynched alive in his hospital bed by the townsfolk evaporated, he returned to his former stance of refusing to give interviews. Had it been up to him, the general public would never have learned the reasons behind his central heated bear cave project. As it turned out, the Greenwell Police Department was able to solve the mystery through long days of thorough investigation.

"We found his journal," Detective Rhodes explained. "Everything is in there. He didn't just want to install central heating, he also meant to supply the bears with fresh fish every day once they woke up from hibernation. He had detailed plans to do this at every bear cave in the area. He hoped that if the caves were warmer than the outside and stocked with food, the bears would stay inside forever, and then when the Con City Bears come to Greenwell to face the Grasshoppers in the summer, they would not be able to find a local bear in the wild to use as a mascot, and would then be forced to borrow one from the zoo. He was going to arrange for the zoo to loan them their oldest, slowest bear, one that would never be able to perform the traditional cheerleading dance of the Con City Bears at the game, and then the Grasshoppers would mop up the floor with them. I have to admit, it's kind of brilliant, in its own... unique way. He certainly gets points for creativity."

Since the interview with Detective Rhodes aired on television, Greenwell General has been on lockdown. The hospital staff fears the inevitable retaliation of the Con City Bears, or rather, their rabid fans, and are eager to discharge Alec Robertson from the hospital as soon as possible. Mister Robertson's troubles are barely just starting, as Greenwell Police intend to press charges against him for attempting to install central heating in a wildlife reserve area without a permit.

As for the family of bears in the cave, they have been calmly asleep ever since the incident, much to the displeasure of the army of tourists camped day and night in front of the cave entrance.