Sea Level Rise

posted Nov 27, 2017, 3:46 PM by Viktor Zólyomi
Cutting edge research performed at one of the top institutions in the world, the University of Con City, has led to newfound understanding of one of the biggest societal concerns of our time: sea level rise. While the research group responsible for the discovery is far from offering a solution to the phenomenon which, many fear, may lead to the submersion of coastal cities, their recent publications in leading research journals show they now know the precise mechanism behind sea level rise.

`Most would simply pin the rising sea levels on global warming,' says Professor van der Bishop, the brains behind the research. `When you look close enough, you do indeed find a cause associated with global warming: the metabolism of fish. Owing to the fact that the average temperature of the planet is now higher than it used to be, the fish need to drink more water in order to keep themselves hydrated. Hence, they also urinate more, which in turn leads to the rising of the sea levels.'

Supporters of the global warming theory will be pleased by the findings of the research, however, Professor van der Bishop points out that the issue is more complicated than that.

`There are factors largely beyond our control that also contribute to the rising sea levels,' Professor van der Bishop explains. `Precipitation, or in layman's terms, rain, provides a major contribution. Heavy rainfalls in recent years have increased, in part due to global warming, but mostly due to the ever increasing number of commercial aircraft flying above the clouds. The chemicals released from the exhaust ports of jet engines are heavier than the air and thus fall down, directly at the clouds, effectively pushing the water out of the clouds in the form of rain. And I think it's fairly obvious that heavy rainfall leads to a rise in sea levels. This is no different from the floods caused by the rising water levels in rivers, also caused by heavy rain, only in the case of the oceans the process takes a little bit longer.'

In wake of the findings of his research, Professor van der Bishop urges us to fly less frequently in order to reduce the demand and thereby reduce the number of daily flights on the planet. However, he also points out that not even doing this may solve the problem.

`It would be a mistake to think that global warming alone is responsible for the rising sea levels,' he states. `There are other contributing factors, such as the poor eating habits of the human race. People suffer from high cholesterol levels and high body fat due to their poor diets. Now, you may find it difficult to connect this to sea level rise but consider that sharks in the sea feed on us. We are their natural sustenance on the food chain, and sadly, we are effectively poisoning them by forcing them to consume very fatty meat. It is for this reason that sharks vomit half digested liquid into the sea after each and every meal, which naturally leads to additional rise in the sea levels, over time.'

Environmentally conscious readers may now feel the urge to adopt a healthy diet, and Professor van der Bishop could not agree more, however, he is quick to add that one should not expect such efforts to save the day.

`Above everything we've discussed thus far, there exists another cause behind the alarming rise of the sea levels,' he says. `This is a cause that is both disturbing and terrifying, and I do fear we will never be able to do anything about it: birds.'

Those of you familiar with the Professor's bibliography may recall his popular science book, `Why the stork is more dangerous than the crocodile.' In that famous publication, Professor van der Bishop expresses his belief that birds are in fact `the most dangerous animals in the world.' Yet, you might wonder what the various species of what he affectionately calls `death on wings' have to do with the rising sea levels. The reason may lead you to reassess how you feel about penguins.

`I suspect it is mostly aggression, perhaps frustration, but I suppose we can't even rule out that it is malice,' Professor van der Bishop states. `Whatever the reason, it is an undeniable fact that birds are tearing apart the polar ice caps with their beaks. I have witnessed it with my own eyes during an expedition as a group of penguins spent four hours picking at the ice non-stop, tearing out small pieces, ice cubes essentially, from the wall of an iceberg, and then kicked them into the water. I watched them tear hundreds of little chips of ice out like that. And while you may think that is perhaps adorable, you should consider this. How fast does an ice cube melt in a beverage? Certainly much faster than an iceberg would. So, while we are in no danger of the icebergs melting anytime soon, all the little bits of ice that the birds carve off of them and throw into the sea are melting, adding gallons to the oceans each and every day, dangerously contributing to sea level rise. And that, I fear, may soon spell the end of human civilization as we know it.'

In other words, the Professor's research has found that the folly of man and mother nature share the blame for the rising sea levels. If you would like to know more, request a reprint of the Professor's new research paper, `Why we will all drown in fish urine and shark vomit while the birds laugh at our extinction in the rain,' from the Department of Bullshitology - where Professor van der Bishop serves as Head of Department - at the University of Con City.