Flat Earth Theory

posted Jan 21, 2018, 9:59 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
In the times before Ferdinand Magellan circumnavigated the planet, a considerable portion of the population firmly believed that the Earth was flat. Over the centuries that passed since then, journeys around the world by sea and by air have further proven that the Earth is round, and yet, a great number of people still believe to this day that the Earth is flat. Experts at the University of Con City have taken it upon themselves to explore `Flat Earth Theory' and expose its flaws.

`Flat Earth Theory makes no sense for multiple reasons,' says world renowned scientist Professor van der Bishop. `We could cite dozens of arguments against this dated superstition, but I believe it will suffice to focus on the strongest rebuttals. First of all, the behavioral pattern of cats.'

A few years ago the Professor helmed a research project called `How the miniature tigers and panthers trick humans into serving them as slaves,' which among other things aimed to understand how cats behaved in various household environments, such as in the vicinity of cardboard boxes and wallpaper. One of the tests they conducted involved observing what cats did atop kitchen tables.

`We placed a cat in the very center of a round kitchen table and measured the time it took the animal to find the edge and jump down to the floor,' the Professor elaborates. `We found that, ninety percent of the time, the cat meticulously pushed every item atop the table over the edge before jumping off the table to play with the spoons and the pieces of the shattered porcelain mugs. This process usually took less than two minutes. Our observation proves that, if the Earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over its edge by now. Granted, the Earth is much larger than a kitchen table so it would take them a lot longer than two minutes, but let us not forget that cats have been around for thousands of years. I estimate they'd have cleared the Earth by the early Middle Ages.'

The psychology of felines is just one of many facts the Professor considers undisputed proof against Flat Earth Theory. Other animals also exhibit behavioral patterns which are completely incompatible with a flat Earth.

`Birds provide strong evidence against Flat Earth Theory thanks to their attraction to sunlight,' Professor van der Bishop explains. `If in fact the Earth were flat, the Sun would revolve around us, moving from east to west and then passing under the earth from west to east. Now, birds like to be in the sunlight, or in general where it's warm; this is why they migrate as seasons change. However, if the Earth were flat, they'd all just sit on its edge, more specifically on whichever edge of it is closest to the Sun. Their combined weight would cause the Earth to start to flip over. In the morning they would sit on the eastern edge and hence cause the Earth to flip down in the east, which would lead to a faster sunrise. But as soon as the Sun got past its zenith the birds, being very cunning predators, would fly over to the western edge of the Earth, sit there, and cause it to flip down in the west. That, in turn, would lead to a very slow sunset, and therefore to extremely long days, or in extreme cases, to a neverending day and nonexistent night. We have never seen anything of the sort happen, which proves that the Earth cannot be flat.'

The Professor cites many other reasons why Flat Earth Theory is false. Some of these have to do with termites and sharks, others with used car salesmen. Perhaps the most interesting argument of them all though is the one involving extraterrestrial life.

`Statistically speaking,' Professor van der Bishop says, `it is an undeniable fact that alien life exists. The Universe is simply so vast that intelligent life had to evolve somewhere other than on Earth. For the same statistical reasons, it is beyond doubt that somewhere giant space aliens who like to play with frizbees exist in particular. Now, if the Earth were flat it stands to reason that these giant space aliens would have come here by now to use it as a frizbee. Which would of course lead to completely erratic day and night cycles, which we have never seen in recorded history. This unquestionably proves that the Earth is in fact round. It also proves that there cannot be any giant space aliens out there who like to play with balls.'

Given the long list of scientific facts provided here, one might wonder why anyone actually supports Flat Earth Theory. To this, Professor van der Bishop offers a straightforward answer.

`It's because people believe everything they read on the internet,' he states. `The sad truth is there are all sort of disreputable media outlets out there that spam the internet with falsities and fake news. People would do well to only read news written by journalists who possess high integrity like Jonathan Parker, and only listen to scientific experts in matters of science.'

If you would like to read more about a rigorous scientific rebuttal of Flat Earth Theory from one of the most reputable scientists in the world, request a reprint of the Professor's new research article, `Why you shouldn't listen to the people who claim that the Earth is not a giant watermelon,' from the Department of Bullshitology - where Professor van der Bishop serves as Head of Department - at the University of Con City.