Tree Demolition

posted Mar 4, 2016, 8:01 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Brickton Herald

Public outrage over the recent decision of Brickton Town Council to demolish Berry Field, a park in the outskirts of town, in order to build a new parking garage, has reached cataclysmic levels. One reason for the outcry is that O'Connell and O'Connell Demolitions, the company contracted to carry out the removal of nineteen trees spanning Berry Field, is planning to employ plastic explosives for the job.

"Chainsaws are so yesterday," said Charles O'Connell, one half of the founders of the demolition company. "And don't even get me started on axes and shovels and whatnot. Tree demolition goes much faster if you just blow them up."

"Of course sometimes we use more old school stuff, like dynamite or gunpowder barrels," added Edward O'Connell, the other co-founder of the company. "I like to drill a little hole into the trunk and put the stick of dynamite in there with a long fuse, then light it and just watch it burn... but the Mayor paid us a hefty sum for this job so we'll just go and use the plastic. When the man pays for first class, the man rides first class."

The O'Connell brothers are likely to experience a couple of road bumps due to the mass of protesters that have surrounded Berry Field with a barbed wire fence and a human chain, and have let loose a Bengali tiger in the park, if rumors are to be believed.

"We will save these trees," said Rachel Donovan, the spokesperson of the Brickton Tree Avengers activist group. "Berry Field is one of the last parks in town, we will not allow it to die. Don't we have enough parking garages in Brickton already?"

Charles O'Connell has requested the assistance of the Brickton Police Department in order to remove the protesters from the construction site, but the Chief of Police has so far declined their request.

"Yes, we could deploy riot police," the Chief stated, "but only if we remove the riot police from the town center where they are in a far more dire need due to the daily clashes between the fanboys and haters of Mayor Greekhorse. And the fact is, we are on the Mayor's payroll, so until the demolition crew coughs up a large enough bribe, we are not moving a little finger for them."

Edward O'Connell is not particularly worried about the situation. He sees a potential solution, albeit one that may not sit too well with the authorities.

"I have already sent for a big game hunter to get rid of the tiger for us," he said. "I'm sure he could gun down the protesters for a little extra. Why should we spend money on bribing the police when we have already paid for a hunter?"

The obvious legality issues of the aforementioned solution do not seem to concern either of the O'Connell brothers.

"The cops don't care what we do," Charles O'Connell said. "And even if they did, how would they find out? There will be no witnesses, and we'll just vaporize the bodies when we blow the trees up. And on the off chance that the police do become involved, well... then we'll bribe them."

The Brickton Tree Avengers are very much aware of the impending arrival of the big game hunter yet they show no sign of concern. They have, apparently, had the foresight to invest in an insurance policy.

"We have hired a professional hitman," Miss Donovan explained. "Can't have those bastards shoot Tabitha. And more importantly, we need to save those trees."

When asked how the protesters were able to afford a Bengali tiger, hundreds of yards of barbed wire fence, and a professional hitman, Miss Donovan expressed her gratitude to all the people who have donated funds to her "save the orphans of Brickton" charity campaign.

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