Novelty Matches

posted Aug 27, 2016, 1:55 PM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Con City Times.

Public outrage is growing against new startup company Sparks Matches. The Desert Rock based company is trying to break into the match manufacturing business with a revolutionary new formula involving the processing of human urine. The reason for the outrage is that the company is paying its employees to consume and vomit up their own urine.

`This is the most disgusting company I have ever seen,' says Malcolm Parkinson, spokesperson of the human rights activist group known as Fuck Industry. `They hire unemployed people for minimum wage and force them to drink their own piss, several times a day. The damage they are doing to these people's health is appalling! They need to be put out of business!'

`We are not forcing anyone to do anything,' says Buford Sparks, founder of Sparks Matches. `We tell them exactly what we need them to do and how much we are going to pay them to do it. I don't see the problem. My lawyers don't see the problem. And besides, this new method of urine processing is our only way to fight the completely illegal monopoly on match trade in Con County.'

The monopoly on match trade in the county is currently held by Aaron Telford, owner of TelfordChem. The company owns the only match manufacturing plant in the county, located in West Side Con City, and also owns the county-wide patent for every phosphorous manufacturing method known to man. Aaron Telford also owns a completely separate company called TelfordSped, which holds the exclusive right on import of matches from outside the county. The two companies together hold a firm control over match trade in Con County, and is the reason why a box of matches costs the same as a barely used car.

`They're exploiting a legal loophole,' Buford Sparks believes,`but any half-competent DA would force them to abandon their stranglehold on the match market. The reason that doesn't happen is that they have the money to bribe the entire court. Well, I found a way to show them that they can't mess with the little man!'

Sparks Matches advertises itself as a manufacturer of novelty matches, produced with a new and freshly patented method that the company has named "uracid processing."

`This was the only way we could compete with TelfordChem,' says Lead Chemical Engineer Jane Leaver. `We need phosphorous to produce matches since all alternative match production materials are banned in the county. TelforChem holds the exclusive rights to all means of producing or importing phosphorous, including the patent to extract it from urine. So we had to invent a whole new phosphorous-rich material in order to have our own patent. We call it uracid. We make it by feeding our employees with phosphorous-rich food supplements, which we bought in bulk at a considerable discount from TelfordChem before we started our business, and then make them drink their urine and vomit it back up. The result is a mixture of urine and stomach acid that we managed to classify as a new substance. As it is a new substance, we were able to file for our own patent for both its production and for extracting phosphorous out of it.'

The patent for the production and processing of uracid has been granted to Sparks Matches with no opposition from the Con County Patent Office, and Buford Sparks is extremely pleased.

`There was a risk that TelfordChem would sabotage the patent application, but in the end, they simply didn't see us as a threat,' he states. `I bet they think we'll be dependent on their food supplements, but the fact is, we made sure to have a stockpile that will last twenty years, and by then we'll put those fuckers out of business with our supercheap matches. Why would you spend a fortune on a box of Telford matches when you can get our novelty matches for half the price?'

Despite Buford Sparks trying to morally justify his business practice as a means of fighting for the little man against a large corporation that holds a legally questionable monopoly, the number of people speaking out against Sparks Matches is rapidly increasing.

`We got the Brickton Tree Avengers to join us in the fight,' says Malcolm Parkinson. `Combining their forces with Fuck Industry is only the beginning, of course. We are already trying to convince the Con County Freemasons to have them support us in our quest. Soon, we will put those Sparks Matches bastards out of business.'

Some rumors have begun to circulate that the activist groups in opposition of Sparks Matches are running extremely low on funds due to the county wide television ad campaign they're running. Related rumors claim that TelfordChem will be supporting the cause of Fuck Industry and their allies with hundreds of millions of dollars. Malcolm Parkinson has so far refused to comment on these rumors.
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