Graviton Surf Board

posted Feb 13, 2016, 11:12 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Con City Scientist.

Following the recent discovery of gravitational waves, the Con City Space Agency is already looking into a variety of applications for the exotic phenomenon. The most interesting of them appears to be the graviton surf board, which, according to Professor Jared Burns, is going to enable us to literally ride the gravitational waves... in space.

"This is the greatest discovery ever," the Director of the Space Agency said about the gravitational waves. "We've long known that gravity holds the solar system together, but now we also know that it creates waves in space-time itself. And the possibilities of what we can do with those waves is limitless."

While the majority of astronomers around the world are more intrigued about using the gravitational waves for discovering the secrets of the universe, the Con City Space Agency is clearly leaning towards commercial applications.

"Gravitational waves allow a new form of transport in space," explained Chief Engineer Scott Freeman. "We could, in principle, build a graviton engine that could revolutionize space travel. But, we already have the Ultra Brutus space shuttle for that, so we'll just build a surf board instead."

The at first glance baffling suggestion to build a surf board to use in space appears to resonate with the entire staff of the Con City Space Agency, all the way up to the Director himself.

"Who wouldn't want it?" Professor Burns said in an effort to convey the mass appeal of their new project. "I mean, honestly, who wouldn't want to go surfing in space? Everyone would. Sadly, in space, there is no water, nor air, and so surfing in the traditional sense is impossible. And that is what makes the discovery of gravitational waves truly groundbreaking."

The project will of course face numerous difficulties. Gravitational waves penetrate all known forms of matter, hence building a surf board that can hover on these waves will be a challenge.

"So what if there is no suitable material for this purpose?" Chief Engineer Freeman said. "We'll invent it. That's what we do."

Professor Burns is rather confident in the abilities of his staff and is instead looking into more technical challenges that the team must overcome.

"Well we obviously need to establish space tourism to make this work," he said. "That requires the Ultra Brutus space shuttle to finally be ready for a launch, but I'm sure we'll sort that out by the time we construct the surf board."

Critics of the new project call the graviton surf board a "complete waste of taxpayer money" and refer to the one man leadership of the Space Agency as "a lame excuse for a would-be scientist". Director Burns does not seem bothered by the criticism and is already eager to build upon the project once it is completed.

"The obvious next step will be windsurfing in space," he explained. "It really begs for itself. Once we have a suitable surf board, we just add a solar sail and use it to ride on the gravitational waves with the solar wind at our backs. True, we will still need to wear space suits and all that, but that's a small price to pay for windsurfing in space. Just imagine the sailing races we can have around the Moon!"

While the announcement of the graviton surf board builds controversy in scientific circles around the world, it seems to be making very different waves elsewhere. Numerous millionaires have made donations to the Con City Space Agency to support the project, and several high ranking military officials in the country have expressed their interest in the development of a graviton beam weapon at the Space Agency. Professor Burns was quick to respond in kind to the support.

"We will of course offer free rides on the prototype graviton surf board to everyone who supported the development," he stated. "As for the graviton cannon, I'm not in the business of building weapons that could destroy entire planets so I must respectfully decline. However, I am most grateful for the moral support. It feels good that our military leaders can recognize true intelligence."

Comments