Fragcamper Police

posted Sep 25, 2016, 5:41 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

Greenwell's specialist police task force, known as the Fragcamper Unit, is making headlines all over the county after their successful operation to apprehend Con County's public enemy number two. The elusive criminal known as the Greenwell Bank Buster, finally identified as local accountant Brandon Murphy, was cornered in the town center of Greenwell and gunned down with the utmost precision. He is currently awaiting trial in a coma at the Greenwell General Hospital, while the Fragcamper Unit is awaiting the medals the Mayor is expected to award them in the coming days.

`This seems like a great accomplishment, but it's just another day on the job for those four police officers,' says Detective Eve Rhodes, designated spokesperson for the Fragcamper Unit. `Granted, it was a high profile criminal, and they certainly deserve medals for it, but honestly, catching dangerous criminals is what they do on a daily basis. It's why the unit was formed in the first place.'

The Fragcamper Unit was established a few years ago after the Chief of Police and the Mayor of Greenwell agreed that the police needed a specialist task force to tackle the most dangerous criminal elements in town in order to prevent Greenwell from overtaking Brickton and Con City in the crime statistics. The person chosen to assemble the group was Detective Rhodes.

`So I had this idea to hold a first person shooter deathmatch tournament,' she explains. `Every police officer in Greenwell was eligible. They would create gamer tags so as to protect everyone's identity, and the top four players would get to form the Fragcamper Unit. I am not a member myself, but I am personally quite proud that half of them are women. Goes to show you that girls can be both outstanding gamers and excellent police officers.'

The four members of the team are known as Sn!p3rB!tch, Sh0tgunFr3ak, Gunn3rKill3r, and Gr3nad3at3r.

`Sn!p3rB!tch is the brains of the group,' Detective Rhodes elaborates. `She's also the most accurate shooter of the unit, hence she typically operates as a sniper. Sh0tgunFr3ak likes to get up close and personal in the heaviest body armor we can afford. Gunn3rKill3r specializes on medium range combat with high rate of fire assault rifles. And Gr3nad3at3r is the explosives expert, good with grenades, rocket launchers, and even plastic. Not that the Chief likes it when the group uses anything beyond smoke grenades, but trust me, Gr3nad3at3r's skills see plenty of use against the assorted assholes the unit has to face.'

Over the years the unit has demonstrated that the unorthodox selection method of Detecive Rhodes had been spot on. The members of the Fragcamper Unit boast the highest success rate and highest kill count among all the police officers in Greenwell, and they have the honor of being the only police unit to ever take down multiple top ten wanted criminals in Con County.

`The Greenwell Bank Buster was in fact the fifth top ten criminal the group brought to justice,' Detective Rhodes states. `And I guarantee you, there will be many more, until all the top ten criminals in Con County are either behind bars, six feet under, or operate exclusively outside the town limits of Greenwell.'

During the sting operation on the Greenwell Bank Buster, the Fragcamper Unit pulled out all the stops and left nothing in the tank. They traced the suspect to an apartment just two blocks from one of Greenwell's banks which had been robbed just the day before. Once the group confirmed that the suspect was inside, Gr3nad3at3r used plastic explosives to break down the door, then Sh0tgunFr3ak and Gunn3rKill3r stormed into the apartment to apprehend the suspect while Sn!p3rB!tch waited on the rooftop of the building across the street with her sights on the window. The Greenwell Bank Buster went down in a hail of assault rifle bullets, shotgun shells, and sniper rifle rounds, without ever managing to fire back. Official reports state that not a single one of the bullets missed the target, and doctors at Greenwell General believe it is a miracle that the suspect did not die on the spot.

`Precision is what the unit is known for,' Detective Rhodes explains. `They pumped him full of lead and still managed to bring him in alive. I'd like to see that gun toting madman in Downtown Con City pull this off.'

The "gun toting madman" the Detective refers to is Sergeant Jack Westwood of the Con City Police Department, whose kill count exceeds the total combined kill count of the entire Fragcamper Unit. As the Sergeant is currently suspended for excessive expenditure of ammunition, he is unavailable to address the comments of Detective Rhodes, but the Captain at the Downtown Precinct believes that `that barbarian Westwood does not even know what a Fragcamper Unit is, and quite frankly, neither do I, and nor do I care. We have enough problems in this city without having to worry about the petty criminals of a pissant village like Greenwell.'

The Chief of Police in Greenwell finds the Downtown Captain's words amusing. `I am proud that the crime rate in our fair town is now so low that Con City Police believes it's not even worth mentioning,' he states. `All the more reason to keep the Fragcamper Unit running and reward their members with due recognition of their hard work.'

The unit is expected to receive the Greenwell Medal of Valor from the Mayor in just three days' time at a closed door ceremony from which the public is banned in order to preserve the anonymity of the four heroic police officers. As for how they spend their time leading up to the ceremony? Detective Rhodes has the answer.

`To date the members of the Fragcamper Unit actively participate in online first person shooter tournaments,' she says. `They are regulars in the upper half of the list of top one hundred players around the world, and by tomorrow night they will be in the top ten. All this while fighting crime and keeping Greenwell's streets safe. Let that be a lesson to parents the world over: nothing turns children into heroic role models more than playing ultraviolent first person shooters eight hours a day.'
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