Brock the Bull

posted Dec 12, 2014, 4:02 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Con City Times.

Bullfighting is a centuries old sport originating from Spain. It is a family pastime activity with well established rules and traditions. The town of Greenwell in Con County has been hosting its own version for over fifty years, yet this is not the traditional form of bullfighting you might expect.

“The aim of the game is of course blood.” Gerald Embers, chairman of the Greenwell Bullfighting Organization explains. “Blood and guts is what the people come here to see. And we give it to them.”

The Greenwell Bullfighting Organization, or GBO, is the premier bullfighting promotion in the entire county. According to their rules, bullfights go on until one of the competitors, be it bull or matador, can no longer continue the fight for whatever reason. The current GBO Heavyweight Champion is Brock the Bull. Note, this is not a matador nicknamed the Bull. This is a bull named Brock. He has been champion for five consecutive years.

“Brock is a fierce competitor.” Chairman Embers elaborates. “He has revolutionized the sport, inventing new ways to hurt matadors every month. He has maimed, mauled, and gored his opponents in such a variety of ways the fans have taken to calling him the Bull of a Thousand Disembowelments.”

As one might expect, the popularity of Brock the Bull has reached cosmic heights over the years. He has his own fan club and political party, the members of which are trying to have Brock run for Mayor at the next elections. Gerald Embers does not seem to worry too much about Brock's future in politics. He is far more concerned about the bull's age.

“Brock is nearing retirement.” the Chairman explains. “He still has one last match in him, and we are doing everything in our power to make it as memorable as possible. I'm talking about a glorious retirement match! One that will be talked about for decades to come.”

The Chairman, it seems, already has elaborate plans for the retirement match in question.

“We have invited none other than Diego Del Toro, the famous undefeated Spanish matador, to be Brock's last ever opponent. Brock is the GBO Heavyweight Champion and he is undefeated. It is only fitting that he fight his last match against another undefeated champion.”

When asked whether he expects any problems to arise due to the vastly different rules the two competitors are used to, Gerald Embers offers a confident outlook.

“There is no reason for concern. I know that Diego Del Toro is used to being the star but if he wants true glory he has to defeat the GBO Heavyweight Champion. Yes, our rules basically guarantee that he is not going to survive the match, but he doesn't need to know that. Besides, we are paying him a lot of money to compete in this match. He has no reason to complain.”

The match is set to take place sometime within the next couple of weeks. It certainly promises to be a classic, a true clash of the titans. If you live near Greenwell, you should not miss it for the world.

*

The following article was also written by Jonathan Parker and was published in the Con City Times three weeks after the previous article.


The retirement match of GBO Heavyweight Champion Brock the Bull was mired in controversy. The match, which was set to take place last night at the Greenwell All Stars Arena, ended in a scandal not seen since the substance abuse controversy from ten years ago. Brock the Bull was set to face Spanish phenomenon Diego Del Toro in what many expected would be the bloodiest bout since the last world war. Instead the fans were left disappointed as the match never took place.

The challenger walked into the arena appearing to be drunk. While it was later confirmed that Diego Del Toro was in fact sober, the suspicion is that some kind of illegal substance must have been in his system. He was barely standing when Brock the Bull entered at the opposite side of the arena. At that point many predicted a squash match that would last no more than a minute. Fortunately for the challenger, the champion was not quite himself last night, either.

Brock the Bull strolled into the arena looking like he didn't know where he was. One witness described the bull as behaving “like a kitten on catnip”, while a lifelong fan in attendance said Brock had been “in a state of euphoria” which was “unheard of throughout Brock's career”. After entering the arena Brock the Bull casually trotted up to Diego Del Toro and, instead of goring him, merely danced around him, sniffing his crotch before laying down by the Spaniard's foot. Diego Del Toro collapsed beside the bull and the arena soon witnessed the only form of competition they could expect from the two competitors that night: a snoring contest.

Minutes later a full scale riot erupted in the stands across the arena. Many people wanted their money back, others demanded the fight, yet others just demanded a fight. The security guards, realizing how little chance they stood, quickly vacated the premises. The end result was several hundred critically injured people who are currently being cared for at the Greenwell General Hospital, except for the unfortunate foreign tourists who did not have travel insurance.

Gerald Embers, Chairman of the Greenwell Bullfighting Organization, denied accountability for the incident and did not hesitate to express his intentions to take legal action.

“That Spanish son of a bitch did this to us!” he elaborated. “I'm going to sue his ass so hard he'll have to crawl back to Spain because he'll need to sell his own legs to pay me!”

Diego Del Toro was unavailable for comment but it is widely assumed that he will be taking legal action as well. An unnamed witness reportedly saw the challenger complain about the taste of his supper before the match. Regarding this matter, Gerald Embers had very little to say.

“I don't know anything about that.” he stated. ”Not a thing.”

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